Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
