My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
