so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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