At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
