Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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