Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
