Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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