I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
