She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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