You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
