My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
