my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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