There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
