Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Randomize
