she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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