I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
