Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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