listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize