Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
