I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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