i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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