I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
