At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
