apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
