I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
