You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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