He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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