Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
