you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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