Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I have fence marks all over my body
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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