i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
