i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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