My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize