Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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