My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
