my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
