And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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