Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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