I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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