Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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