Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
