i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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