so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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