whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
