she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
