i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
