The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize