I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
