The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
is that a dick in a sweater?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I had to cum in my sink.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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