I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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