3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
