he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize