I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
