then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
